i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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