matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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