can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
