I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize