my phone needs a breathalizer
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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