i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
