There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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