Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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