I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
