All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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