I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
