I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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