Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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