they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
