Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
