please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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