saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
