So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
