i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
