I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
