I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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