So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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