the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize