I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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