I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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