I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize