the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
