You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize