i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
