It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
