Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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