Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
