9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
