You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
