your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
