Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
