life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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