HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
