I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize