Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
