I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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