fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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