Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck appropriateness.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
