Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
