Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize