shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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