My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
