Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
