I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
