i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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