Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
