I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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