Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
