my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize