The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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