The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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