SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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