My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
