she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
