I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
