I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
