dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize