you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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