Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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