Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize