the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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