my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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