The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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