She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
