2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
