you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
