Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
