i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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