I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
